Last week, an article called “‘Positive Attitude’ Bullshit: On The Dangers Of ‘Radical Self Love’” was published, and it really made me feel bad. It focuses on figures like Oprah Winfrey, and one of my personal heroes, Gala Darling, who preach self-love to the masses. The idea is that thinking positively isn’t something that gets you anywhere, and putting on a sparkly dress and pink lipstick isn’t going to change any real issues like poverty, police brutality, or misogyny.
The article is a giant over-simplification of what self-love is, and comes from a very cynical standpoint. Comments circulating about the article touch on how having an optimistic attitude isn’t going to “fix” your depression, and it all just makes me sad.
First of all, self-love is all encompassing, and is way more broad and intense than this article makes it out to be. Secondly, I have a long history with mental illness, including four diagnoses and am no stranger to self-mutilation or suicide plans, but I can honestly say that thinking positively, keeping a gratitude journal, and embracing my inner child HAS changed my life.
You know what else changed my life? Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I went to weekly appointments every week for six months, and it was absolutely the hardest thing I’ve ever done. That half a year was full of assignments and self-reflection that made me bawl my eyes out and feel terrible for very long periods every day. But you know why I did it? Because I love myself. I loved myself to dive deeper into the issues, to do something difficult that I knew was going to help me. THAT is part of self-love.
Do I have more shoes with glitter on them than not? Do I have googly eyes on my person at all times? Yeah, I do. But that doesn’t take away from anything else. I don’t think that by wearing a fake mustache I’m going to fix society’s problems, and I don’t claim that’s the case (and neither does Gala Darling). But guess what? Going around with a negative attitude about everything is not helping anything.
I can wear a tutu to a protest. I can dance in the street in between takes on a video I’m making to draw attention to street harassment. Being silly in frivolous outfits and activities is not mutually exclusive from focusing on issues in the world. If you’re positive, you’re more likely to be inspired to go out and actually make a change! Focusing on the good is a skill, not something that demonstrates a lack of intelligence or naivety.
The article touches on how if Gala was truly interested in providing self-help to women across the globe she wouldn’t price things so high, and that I can actually get on board with. I’d say that most people (especially those more likely to be in need) don’t have $200 to drop on an online course. Obviously Gala Darling (and myself) have to make a living from these products we create, but I understand the author’s point on that one.
I realize my privilege in life. Despite being fat, mentally ill, and a woman I have it pretty great. I’m white and grew up in a middle class home with two parents until I was a teenager. On paper, that’s a pretty blessed situation. I’m extremely aware of the socio-economic discrepancies in America and across the world, but that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t try to provide solutions to people who might find them useful. It also doesn’t mean that I can’t do that and advocate for better conditions for all at the same time.
If you read my blog, Gala’s blog, or Oprah’s magazine, and don’t identify with what’s being said then ex out of your browser or throw the magazine away! No one is forcing you to read it, or even do the things we suggest. I simply want to remind you that you are already beautiful as-is, and don’t need to change your beliefs for anyone, including me. If you think I’m full of bullshit, feel free to move on, but there’s no need to talk shit.
You can absolutely disrupt social norms and challenge political constructs while being positive and practicing self-love. Don’t think you need to make a choice on whether you should have an optimistic attitude or a strong intellect. You don’t need to decide if you can own sequins or change the world. You can do it all, gorgeous.
I’m one of those people who others often think is pessimistic and good at focusing on the negative. Obviously I don’t see it that way – I think I’m just realistic and often don’t see the sense in “faking it ’til I make it” or always focusing on the positive in situations where doing so means ignoring the reality, however negative it may be, which can be really detrimental in the end. BUT. With that being said, I really love what you’ve said here. My favorite take-away? “Focusing on the good is a skill, not something that demonstrates a lack of intelligence or naivety.” For me at least, that’s a lot of food for thought.
Keep rockin’ it. And happy weekend!
Pessimism and realism are definitely different, but I believe you can be a realist and still be optimistic! You can accept life as it is and as it comes, but hope for the best and truly believe that you deserve it. Being optimistic also doesn’t mean ignoring the reality of the situation, you can fully understand the gravity of a serious blow and take steps to find a solution with a positive attitude. It’s all about perspective and how you approach it.
Being pessimistic or realistic isn’t something I judge other people for. Everyone is to live life their own way. But I share the benefits I’ve found of positive thinking with others because it really did help change my life, and I think everyone should have all the info. I’m glad you’re open to new ideas and will think about how positive thinking is a skill! 🙂 You have a great weekend, too!
That article seemed to be based on the false premise that self love and enacting social change are diametrically opposed. They’re not. If someone wanted to make a change in the system, it would surely help that person to think that they could do it (thinking positively) – because if that person truly believed that they wouldn’t make a difference, then there would be no reason to try. And it would probably help them to practice self love, because you know that there will be lots of obstacles to overcome. Believing in your own awesomeness can coexist with lobbying for change.
And I can see why the author was devasted by a social worker telling them to think more positively to get a job. That makes it sound like a personal failing, when we all know that there just aren’t enough jobs. There’s the outside world that you don’t have control over – like the job market sucking balls, and then the inside world that you do have control over – thinking that you’re still awesome even if you can’t get a job. Self love isn’t going to get you a job, or win you the lottery, or make you famous – but being consumed with self loathing isn’t going to leave you time to go on a job interview (or allow you to represent yourself well), or give you the clarity of mind to make a plan for change, or give you the determination to start your own business. But self love actually would help with all of those things. It gives you the strength to hang in there, when things are tough.
And things are tough for a lot of people, for a lot of different reasons.
Self love can give you the courage to take ACTION, and that is how things get changed.
If you don’t think positively, you can complain about your problems.
If you do think positively, then you can problem-solve.
Seems like an easy choice to me.
Beautifully said, Cara. I really appreciate the way you laid that out, and I completely agree. JUST thinking positively is in no way going to get you a job. You still have to put the work in, obviously, and implying that you don’t is incorrect. As much as I believe in magic, you can’t just say something and make it appear. But like you said, going out looking for a job without a positive attitude (or expecting to fail) is NOT going to help you become employed. And maybe the job market really does suck! Maybe you’ll stay unemployed! But that doesn’t mean you can’t find reasons to still love life. Remind yourself you’re worth it, keep submitting applications, and keep your chin up. You CAN’T control external forces, but you do have control over your perspective.
Kia ora
Hey I am really sorry I made you feel bad? It really was not my attention. My mum works in mental health and I have alot of lived experience in mental health, I know cbt is a powerful cognitive tool people can use to disrupt and write over the negative scripts in their heads. I think yoga, meditation and other forms of spiritual relaxations are incredible for reducing stress and anxiety and helping people to practice mindfulness. But it is important to acknowledge external factors that impact your life, such as sexism, racism and structural injustice.
My piece I wrote was not an attack on gala but it was an attack on the neoliberal individualistic thinking they promote.
I’m glad gala has helped you, as I pointed out in my blog I am aware she does help many people. Its just her methods and audience have a small window for a very small demographic, also I think telling people that external factors don’t affect you and you have all the power you need inside you is, ultimately, utter bullshit.
I’m really glad you found my post, it’s great to create a dialogue with you. Thanks for commenting!
I don’t doubt that you have experience with mental health (as do I, I have four mental illnesses myself and worked in a psych rehab for 5 years), and I one thousand percent agree that sexism, racism, and structural injustice affect our lives. External factors DO affect us, every single day, but that doesn’t mean that our attitude has to match the shittiness of those factors.
As I wrote in my response to ChewyTulip above, not being able to find a job because of reason X, Y, and Z sucks. It just does. It sucks that women get paid less and are less likely to be taken seriously in the work place. It sucks that there are existing prejudices that prevent people from various ethnicities to be hired in the first place. These issues exist, I hate them all. I wish it wasn’t that way, but just because these issues exist doesn’t mean I can’t keep a positive attitude. I know it’s HARD to have a positive attitude in the face of adversity, which is why I make sure to state that positing thinking is a *skill*, but that’s why I advocate for people to practice it. I’m not saying that thinking positively is going to find you a job. You still have to go out and find places that are hiring, apply, and nail interviews but having a positive attitude while doing these things is just as important as doing them.
I can’t speak for other people, but I know that I practice self love while advocating for a better planet, and I don’t think those things need to be separate from each other. I understand you feel like Gala’s way of thinking is appealing to a very small audience, and that might just be the way she goes about presenting her information and services (like how I said I totally agree that $200 is too much to spend on an online course). When I read your article, and people’s reactions to it, I felt that the scope you were presenting on positive thinking was very narrow and that’s what made me sad. I dedicate every day to making other people happy, and to hear that my practice is bullshit didn’t feel good. I don’t agree with it, and I’m strong enough not to alter my life in response to it, but I did want to share my thoughts on it.
The scope was narrow, because what people like Gala and Oprah present as a method od “transforming your life” is so very very narrow and really does obsecure the role that economic/scoail strucutrues have on people. They both claim you can manifest your own destiny, that external factors dont affect you, which is at its best is untrue and at is worse is just seriously harmful shit to be selling to people. I totally appreciate your thoughts, and I understand self love and “looking inwards” has helped you along with other cognitive tools such as CBT. I dont have a mental health diagnosis, but I do have many friends who do who find people who tell them to “think positive” when they are cycling into unwellness really unhelpful, and reductive.
There is, of course, a place for self love, but there is also a place for collective activism, for joining up with communities and actively trying to make a change that serves, not just yourself but other people as well.
I just think it is important to make very clear what both Gala and Oprah are selling has a framwork of neoliberal thinking, which has, as I pointed out, created the very feelings they are trying to sooth. It doesn;t make sense, and it is, ultimately illogical.
I know what it’s like to poor, to be homeless, to live in poverty and on welfare. I’ve been to the food bank, taken out student loans and owe way too much. I still can’t find a job. I have depression and anxiety attacks ALL the time. I most definitely was NOT born into a privileged family. And I blame NO ONE.
Thinking more positively, feeling grateful and doing things that bring me joy are what keep me going and allow me to be happy, even in tough situations.
Beautiful! Yes! YESYESYES
god i really am starting to loose my patience with people who cannot see the pretty bvious shit I am pointing out from strucutural injustice to how “radical self-love” is based on neo-liberal thinking, this type of thinking has done so much damage to the polical underclass. Do either of you know this? You cant just ignore whole entire oppressive politcial idealogies and say “everyone has an even playing field”, because it is convenient for your wrld view.
Here’s the deal, Chloe. I didn’t like your article and you don’t like mine. You’ve stated and re-stated your opinions on why you think me and my readers and incorrect, and while we hear you, we disagree. Just because we disagree doesn’t mean we don’t have all the information, and implying otherwise is kind of rude.
I’m sorry you’re losing your patience, but I didn’t comment back to your previous comments because you weren’t providing any other points or acknowledging mine. I was happy to start a dialogue with you, and I said that from the get-go, but I’m not interested in getting into an argument where neither of us are going to change our minds because it’s not worth either of our time or effort.
Iddi ackowledge your points I agreed with you that CBT is a powerful tool for self change… and I totally agreed there is a place for self love? And that it certainly works for some people. Its just y’all dont seem to get what “neoliberalism” means? Or am I wrong?
In the past few decades, the rich are growing richer and the poor are growing poorer. There have been massive cuts in services for things like physical/mental health care and education, which makes it even more difficult for the poor to gain an advantage. Unions have slowly been de-unionized and wages are either less or they just aren’t growing. Minimum wage is a joke. The blame of personal situation’s is placed on their “laziness”, not the external factors that are in no way their fault but that they still have to deal with.
I know what neoliberalism is. I understand your points, and the terrible effects that neoliberalism has had on this world, but I *still* think that it’s possible to have a positive attitude. That is my argument. I understand why it becomes more difficult to have a positive attitude in these situations, and I in no way blame people who don’t maintain an optimistic perspective, but that doesn’t mean that a person who DOES HAVE a positive attitude is bullshit, nor does it mean that if they were to adopt a positive attitude they would be worse off.
well, didn’t agree with you? That a postive attitude can help peoples situations? And didn’t I totally agree with you that CBT, combined with other mindfulness strategies can totally improve well-being? Not totally sure why you think Im angeling for an arguement when Ive agreed, and reflected on alot of what you said. We dont have to agree on all points, thats cool I respect your position and have heard what you said. O_0
Why Positive Thinking Isn’t Enough – MensJournal. While you might assume the answer to nbsp;meeting your goals nbsp;is to change your attitude, there rsquo;s actually a better course of action.
You’re so full of it. Tutu to a protest? Shill.
I don’t even know the way I finished up right
here, but I thought this put up used to be great. I don’t recognize who you’re but definitely you’re
going to a well-known blogger should you are not already. Cheers!