Sometimes My Brain Hurts
Sometimes my mind hurts.
I’ve done a lot of work around releasing labels as things to hide behind because I found they were things I was using to make excuses for why I wasn’t doing things for. I’m Bipolar, so… I’m a Gemini so… I’m an ENFP so… etc. Labels can be really freeing, like getting a diagnosis for something you didn’t understand or when people didn’t believe or support you — I actually have a whole episode about this on Supersonic Self-Love — check out Episode 12.
That said, with my trauma therapy and consistent work on personal development every day to tap into my deeper layers, past patterns, current feelings, and every part of me that is either screaming for attention or maybe getting too much attention… it’s a lot of work. It’s been keeping my emotions at a very high level. I’ve been describing it as that feeling of when you know your tears are just behind your eyelids.
Traditionally, every August my Bipolar I comes out to play in a big way. Rapid cycling, unpredictable, relentless, and I feel out of control of my mind and body and it gut checks me. This August is no different.
Well it is a little different, I guess. Because with this trauma so readily accessible to me, my emotions feel explosive, violent, and almost like a tantrum. I’ve been expecting a lot out of myself and others more than usual, and putting a lot of pressure on situations both in the present and future.
This morning, my giant dresser mirror I’ve had in my life since I was born came crashing down on my head, and along with it was a vase of yellow tulips and the water inside it, my jewelry stand, all my trinkets, rubber ducks, elixirs and oils, sacred stickers and pins. Basically a bunch of extremely beautiful and sentimental things were all over the floor, water seeping down the dresser, soaking onto things I hold dear, while I held up this mirror sobbing and crying for help.
Luckily, Joe heard me and helped me put it back and I sat there and meticulously cleaned and put them all back together. Maybe even better than it looked before. As I did it, I thought about the objects and what they meant to me and felt gratitude for having them, that the mirror didn’t shatter, that I was okay, and that I had support in my life and in that moment even though I felt out of control and sad.
It honestly felt like a huge metaphor for where I have felt emotionally the past few days.
Me, wondering if Leo Season is why my rapid cycling Bipolar comes out to play in August, while still feeling cute as fuck
I share this to let you know that no matter how much work we do on ourselves, no matter how colorful a feed is, that everyone is always dealing with something. We always have excuses to make about why we can’t do something. It’s okay to have a sad, low energy day or days. It’s also up to us to pick up the pieces, literally or figuratively, and get back to work.
If you are doing the work out there, I FUCKING SEE YOU. I love you.
Below is a free EFT/Tapping video that comes with Episode 11 of Supersonic Self-Love on Mental Illness. It’s about accepting your mental illness(es) and knowing that you are MORE than them. They do NOT define you or me.