This week I’ve been thinking about fears and insecurities.
Some people are afraid of things most others can’t understand, like tin foil or pickles. There are some fears that millions of people can identify with like snakes or sharks. But what about internal fears? Like ending up alone or not being good enough?
Some of my own fears include being forgotten, being boring, slipping on ice, and mannequins/wax people.
I received an envelope from Emily in Chicago, and inside of it was just this photo of a mannequin in a tub outside. Instead of getting scared, I actually really liked it. It was kitschy and strange, and I was able to look past the horrifying parts and see straight to the cool beauty of the photo (which was made even more beautiful when I found out that Emily had it taped up to her wall for years and took it down to send to me).
I started thinking that maybe it’s possible to see past the terror and find the beauty in the rest of my fears. And maybe we all can. These thoughts haven’t been fully formed, but I took enough time to process them enough to make these two pages for my journal, immortalizing them until further notice.
What are you afraid of?
That’s weird, I was just writing to Kimmie about fears yesterday and how I don’t have many anymore, but I MISS them. My only fear is that I will suddenly become majorly depressed again and it’ll turn out that the medication that’s been working for so many months is a total fluke. I spent a lot of time when I was younger being afraid that as I got older, I spent a lot of time conquering them. Now the only fear I have only has emotional grounds and is slowly disappearing as the months go on, and I really wish I had one to hold onto.
As terrifying as terror is (yes), it’s a feeling I don’t really experience anymore. That’s both amazing and heartbreaking. Bittersweet. I don’t recommend it.
That’s really interesting. The complete absence of fear. I wonder how many people can say that truthfully.
I fear driving. I do it, but I’m an absolute basketcase behind the wheel. This is a relatively new fear … only in the last 5 or so years. I think I just need to practice more. I’m a passenger 90% of the time.
I used to be very afraid of spiders and thunderstorms. I’m not anymore. Spiders are not welcome in my house, but I am not terrified of them anymore and if I see them, I usually leave them be as they do good work. Thunderstorms I love.
My only internal fear is that I will be unfeeling when speaking with others. I often speak without considering the power of words.
Driving is an interesting one, especially since it’s not generalized to just being in cars but just behind the wheel. It’s also really crazy and cool when we’re no longer frightened by things that used to scare us deeply.
Spiders, being just another statistic, turning out like either parent, being homeless again, never knowing how it feels to love someone and have them loving you back, not doing anything with my life, gaining weight/being fat forever and never knowing how it feels to belove the way you look, losing my stepmother, heights, years that end in even numbers,never knowing what I want in life, how mundane life is, crowds, becoming disfigured, confrontation
Wow, reading your list I realized that there are definitely other things that I’m scared of but I guess I don’t ever consider them. Like losing people I love or the ability to use any part of my body in the way I can use it now.
Facing your fears is so important! I also fear being forgotten or disliked and I’m afraid of something terrible happening to my children. Otherwise, i worked long and hard to face and overcome my fears and so I try to keep them in check.
That’s really great, though. Kudos, Vanessa. Keep conquering life one battle at a time!
I have emetaphobia, extreme and irrational fear of throwing up. It’s literally hard just writing the words. It has caused many issues with eating, as well as creating the fear of just being or feeling sick in any way…which has turned me into a germaphobe. If I feel any kind of tummy ache, pains, if I sneeze…I jump to the conclusion I have the flu, or another horrible disease that may cause getting physically ill. Eating out is hard…not sure who made it, how it was stored, prepared, etc. I have come a long way though, from spending a year not leaving the house and having panic attacks everyday, to now teaching and dealing with my sick students (although there is protocol for illness: they must wash hands, sit in the back, clean desk with Clorox wipe when leaving, etc.), and going out to a few trusted restaurants…although occasionally my OCD thoughts will tell me that I may get sick after…yet (knock on wood) it has never actually happened. Brains are weird my friend. Always a work in progress. š thanks for giving me a space to vent…. I’m a bit embarrassed and it’s always hard to explain why I don’t want to eat at the restaurant, or when I’m panicking. It feels good to not be judged over the irrational things that exist in our lives. š
Wow, that’s intense! I’ve known a couple people throughout my life who have had a similar fear, but not on the same level. I’m really sorry that it’s affected your life that severely, but I’m glad to hear that you’re making (successful!) efforts to deal and manage your fears. Isn’t it a strange thing to have one part of your brain understand that something you feel is irrational but it doesn’t stop it from being any less real? I feel like that’s the root of any anxiety. Exposure therapy was essentially how I dealt with my OCD symptoms, and it’s one of the most painful things I’ve ever done but also one of the best and most healthy. Wishing you luck continuing on your journey and know that this is definitely a judgment-free zone. <3 Thanks for sharing!
I had emetophobia too, during the worst part of my anxiety disorder back in college. It sucked, because anxiety caused me to be nauseous. The two things went hand in hand. It’s a crappy phobia, because it essentially makes you afraid of you body. Hugs, Kasandra
That’s so true! Oh man, it sounds miserable. I’m glad you guys are working on these phobias, though. It’s good work.