Trigger Warning: Suicidal Ideation
On Suicide Prevention Awareness Day I posted the following message on social media.
“This has been the hardest year of my life I think. The only things that come close are Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Nannie dying, the sociopath I dated that left me with trauma, when my brother and dad were both in the hospital at the same time and we thought they were going to die, and my teen years in general.
Those other things were scattered. I was bad off at the time but it was one thing at a time. And good came with the bad. But this year….
I’ve shared a lot of my struggles this year, but honestly that’s just the tip of it. You don’t see everything that goes on behind the curtain of Uncustomary. And more times this year than since I was a teenager I thought about ending everything. It got to the point where I counted all the pills and Googled how many would be a lethal dose.
This year has been a roller coaster that seems to only go down and I’m gasping for air. Bug’s death was literally the last thing I needed, but honestly, it gave me hope in a weird way.
The thing that kept me from killing myself all those nights was how my dad would feel getting the news. It was how my monetary debts would affect those who have lent them to me. And it was a little bit of how I haven’t accomplished what I want to do yet. But Bug turned it around and made me realize that life is precious and if we have people we love and love us and passions that fuel our fire then we have to do them now because we have no fucking clue when shit is going to go down without our permission.
I am so grateful for getting through every single night this year that I thought I couldn’t. I am so grateful to all of you for supporting Uncustomary. I’m glad I’m still here.
You can look back at any random picture on my feed in the past 6 months and I might have been suicidal then. That’s real. Suicidal doesn’t have a face. Often it wears a mask.
Suicide Prevention Awareness Day is about breaking down the stigma against suicide. So remember that just because someone has a flower crown doesn’t mean you know they aren’t in pain. We never know anyone else’s story. Listen if you can.”
Then I got a LOT of responses from people. And I made a second post which was…
“I made a post to share something really vulnerable that I haven’t really talked about in recent years. I’ve struggled with it in my teen years, but I haven’t been open about it as an adult with the public. I got a LOT of responses, and I want to take some time to address them.
First, I want to say how grateful I am to everyone who read the post, liked it, commented, and reached out. Spreading awareness is key. I am so grateful for your support.
Second, the point of the post was not to get attention, it was to shed light on an issue that goes unspoken and unnoticed far too often. We stigmatize the entire issue on its own, and also what we think it looks like. I thought it was important that you knew that just because I wear rainbows and flower crowns and smile in photos doesn’t mean I’m not struggling or can be suicidal. Suicidal doesn’t have a face.
Third, SO MANY of you messaged me directly. Again, I am grateful for your support. But there are some things I want to address. Many of you told me I’m “not allowed to kill myself”, “suicide is not an option”, “I’m the last person you thought would be suicidal”, “you’ve been following for years and love everything I do”, and you’d be “crushed” if I died. I definitely understand where these sentiments are coming from, and I appreciate them. But I am a big girl. I got my degree in psychology, worked at a psych rehab for half a decade, and know all the resources available to me. One of those resources is professional help from a therapist from BetterHelp.com. Let’s not forget that I also have Bipolar Disorder among five other disorders, a history of self-harm, and suicide attempts. And all of that compounded with how crushing this year has been with external circumstances has been really, really hard.
Fourth, I’ve been pretty open with how hard I’ve been struggling this year. For the past six to seven months shit has been really, really hard. I try to keep things light and inspirational for your benefit because I try to be of service, but if you’ve paid attention, I’ve actually talked a lot about how hard things have been.
Most of the messages I got from people were from people I haven’t spoken to in a decade, never met, have been following me and consuming my free online content or attending my free events for years without ever commenting or buying something or leaving a review to support me.
I will say that recently when my power got turned off, SO many of you came to the plate and bought my e-book or donated a few bucks that got my power turned back on. And there have been a handful of very constant, supportive friends in my life that I couldn’t have gotten through this year without and they know who they are. But my point is why does it take catastrophe for us to act?
Robin Williams’ death caught us all so off-guard because he was so “full of life”, which was a phrase many of you used when you messaged me to describe me since my post. It hurts when we think someone is happy and giving us so much hope and laughter and then they’re internally struggling so hard. But why did we wait till he was gone to share how we felt?
I’m guilty of it, too. I literally just did it with my cat’s death. I should have spent more time with him before he died. But I’m using his death as a call to action to put my money where my mouth is and spend time with my dad, my friends, and my passion projects as much as I can NOW.
So my point is this. If you read that message yesterday, that wasn’t coming from a place of ultimate crisis, but informing on a holiday meant for raising awareness (even though these thoughts have been relatively recent), you can actually make a difference in my life. If HALF or even a THIRD or a QUARTER of the people who “liked” my Facebook status yesterday signed up to be an Uncustomary Babe Member, that would CHANGE MY LIFE! You could support the free services I’ve been providing for years and help me get out of debt. You could help relieve this burden. If you’re actually worried about me, that’s a way you can support me.
I know not everyone can afford $8 a month, but if you can, it’s worth it. I’m providing you with resources to love yourself more, and you’re also actively supporting me and making a difference. You can also donate to my blog, pledge to my Patreon, buy my e-book, buy my workbook, buy an e-course, buy my book, buy something from my Etsy, or just leave a review on Facebook! It takes like 2 minutes to leave a review or to just write me one in a direct message that I can use if you don’t use Facebook. Literally every $1 and every review helps and makes a difference. So many people consume what I have to offer but aren’t willing to pay for it, and if you were, I could get to a different place.
I’m not saying I’m going to kill myself if you don’t buy my shit, to be clear. That’s absurd. I’m saying if you want to support me, here is the best way. And that support can come in the form on free words that help me get more customers and cost you nothing if that’s all you have to give.
Don’t wait till someone is in crisis or a catastrophe strikes to tell them how much you love them. Don’t wait till someone pushes a red emergency button to reach out. Don’t wait till you can’t do anything to regret not doing more. The time is now.
Thank you for all of your support and love. Uncustomary couldn’t be where it is today without you. I am so grateful for the community that I’ve created here. I am in no way trying to look a gift horse/babe in the mouth. Death, whether it’s our cat’s, a family member’s, a friend’s, or the thought of our own, can get you thinking in big ways, and if that’s what it takes to make big waves, so be it.
Let’s make big waves together. I want to keep creating for you. Let’s do this together.
Love + glitter,
PS – So if you are “liking” this post, TAKE ACTION. Click over to the reviews section and leave me a review on this same page! The link is below! Or donate a dollar on PayPal or Venmo (@ uncustomarylove) links for how to support me are below.
“‘Liking” this post and moving on before bothering to leave a review that costs $0 is the antithesis of it liking the message of showing support when you need to. Show up how you can! Share my page with others! Those are free. Just saying.”
So I just wanted compile all of these things here on my blog in my own space and let you know that I am okay, but can be doing better, and that if you want to support me these are the ways you can do it.
Thank you for you love and support.