Just Some Things I’m Thinking
I really want to write. I miss writing. But I feel pressured to make the lists everyone loves, or to write a long-form post that just isn’t in my spirit right now, so I haven’t been writing. I don’t know when I decided that everything I post on my blog had to fit a theme or provide a service, though. That’s a nonsense rule I created over time that no one else is enforcing. So as we transition from Thursday to Friday and I sip this rum and coke with the ceiling fan on high above me, I’m going to write what I’m thinking and feeling for myself. So I can get some words down, so I can see progress and remember that I can still fucking do this. If you read along, that’s awesome. You’ll probably learn a lot about my life lately, but this isn’t going to be a typical Uncustomary jam.
- I’ve been experiencing life a lot lately. Saying yes to things, maybe too much. Last Friday everyone was all “TGIF” and I was like, “Shit, I’ve been living like it’s Friday for a week now, I should probably take it easy tonight”. I did some stupid shit on Saturday where I actually had to send apologies out the following morning. That was borderline embarrassing, which is saying a lot because I’ve only been embarrassed twice in adult life. Trying to treat May as a clean slate and tone it down a little in some areas, but turn it up in other areas (being guerrilla art, reading, meditation, exercise). Basically dial back the unhealthy and turn up the healthy.
- Since Jason died, a lot of us have been making a bigger effort to spend time with our friends. It’s a natural reaction, but it’s not a bad one. It’s so easy to get caught up in shit and go a long time without seeing people we care about, but something like a 32-year-old dying unexpectedly makes you reevaluate your shit in a lot of places. I’ve been enjoying spending time with people, and I hope to keep it up with this level of momentum and caring.
- Ideas for chapters of books and zines keep coming to me, and it’s clearly time I put some words to a page that don’t get immediately published on Uncustomary.org. I think what’s deterring me mostly is how much it cost to print all my books last time. I can’t afford that this time, so I’d definitely need a book deal and I don’t really know how to make that happen. Who wants to pay me to write a book? It’s juicy as fuck.
- Tonight I forced myself to listen to the album, and more specifically, the song, that made me cry when nothing else could penetrate my numbness. I listened to the song three times in a row and didn’t cry. I don’t know if that’s demonstrating growth or a consistently developing numbness, but at least I know now that I can hear it in public without having a panic attack.
- It’s completely fair that people assume that things like that above are related to my three-year+ relationship, and it kind of makes me feel bad that they’re not, but I really feel like I had mourned that relationship for so long while it was still “in tact” that it made it a relatively quick transition for me to move on once things were official or whatever. Some people are still finding out that we broke up months later, and I’m like yeah I’m actually pretty fucked up from a relationship that happened after that and I’m worried it’s going to affect things in my life in the future despite its short length and insincerity. PSA: If you’re a sensitive empath, you’re more likely to attract sociopaths and narcissists. Watch out for that shit.
- Living with Cristen is pretty awesome, and I’m enjoying having the cats here. They’ve known me for many years, but Molly immediately took to me and follows me everywhere and Boyfriend doesn’t want anything to do with me/is still having a time adjusting. I realized after the fact that a guy I’m seeing didn’t know the cat’s name was “Boyfriend” and when I was talking about him quite possibly thought I was referring to him as “boyfriend” and that’s why he kept asking “Who?” so weirdly. So thanks for naming your cats after party drugs and significant others, Cristen. It makes shit super simple around here. (I love you.)
- I’m amazing at keeping bamboo alive. I know that bamboo basically requires zero care, but that’s why I’m so bomb at taking care of it. We’re perfect for each other.
- For some reason, I’m really enjoying Twitter right now. I want to follow you, so follow me and I’ll follow you back. I’m all about sarcastic dad jokes, promoting politics that keep alive the idea that humans are equal across the board, inspirational self-love, guerrilla art, and anything clever/absurd/witchy/90s. Let’s be friends.
- If you want to terrify someone, like you’re 100% sure that you 100% want to scare this person from ever wanting to interact with you again, let me propose a scenario to you: Meet them once, leave them five voicemails a day, and when they inevitably tell you that you’re too intense, text them the following: “Okay but let’s still be best friends always”.
- We officially skipped over spring weather and are straight into swamp ass summer, but I’m excited to do more guerrilla art. So if you have anything you want to see me do/try/recreate, please let me know because nothing is off limits.
Okay that’s it.
Maura Housley took the photos.