Anti-Ordinary

This picture is the only photo on my laptop that is not categorized. I see it every day. It’s one of the more profound images to me, even though I don’t know how to explain why.

It’s 4 am right now (Sunday), and I’m not able to sleep. My whole body is nauseous, but not out of sickness. I feel like my needs are currently insatiable. But I also feel like that’s good, because what I want is experience. I want new things, even if I hate them after trying. I want to publish a book and pose as a live model. I want to learn how to start a fire and walk in heels without looking like a dinosaur. I want to bring back pigtails and not worry about sleep. I want to speak my mind and eat cake naked.

The word “ordinary” is my biggest fear. I’m finally realizing that. It’s not being in the same room as life-like wax people and mannequins or being forgotten. I’m terrified of leading an ordinary life. The good news, though, is that out of my fears, the biggest one is also the one that I actually have control over.