Uncustomary Truths

I’ve made a bit of a shift with blogging in the past year or so, if you haven’t noticed. It’s gotten a lot less personal in an effort to be more helpful. I want to provide inspiration and solve problems for you. I still post fun images from my life in Weekly Happiness posts, but I know it’s also important for you to feel like you know who I am. Whether you’re a new or an old reader, I want to do my best to make up for the lack of personal posts with an uber personal one. Here are 50 things about me.

Uncustomary Truths

    • I have scars on my legs from hopping fences to haunted buildings.
    • Most people assume I’m bisexual, but I don’t identify as such.
    • Places I’ve found (and regularly find) glitter and confetti include: shower drain, razor, underneath my keyboard, boyfriend’s genitals, DVD tray, toilet seat, bra, my friend’s dog, inside my shoes, coat pockets, inside my nose.
    • I’ve been arrested.
    • I’ve hosted a talk show with my best friend with no audience or recording (read: to an empty apartment) for two hours.
    • My boyfriend is basically a combination of my TV crushes (Andy Dwyer, Nick Miller, and Charlie Kelly).
    • I didn’t get my period till I was 15.
    • I’ve driven two hours just to get a snack from a Sheetz.
    • I regularly use my thighs as a plate and have zero problem with eating in bed.
    • I haven’t ironed a piece of clothing in over a decade.
    • If you ride in the backseat of my car, I will ask you to write in my car journal.
    • I’ve tried most drugs.
    • When I was doing my Kickstarter, guys asked to buy me a drink at the bar and I suggested they donate to my campaign instead.
    • I used to get hiccups for 24 hour periods. I’ve gone to bed and woken up with them.
    • When I have PMS, I often cry about how long I have to wait to celebrate Leap Day.
    • When I see something very cute or I get angry, I make the exact same sound which is like a throat grunt. Joe always whips around to see what my face looks like when he hears that noise to make sure I’m watching a video of a dog.
    • I can’t burp. I can count the number of times I’ve burped in my life on two hands.
    • I don’t keep caps on my bottled beverages. It has drived every one of my boyfriends insane.
    • I have Synesthesia and lots of auditory and visual (and some physical sensation) stimuli cross over.
    • I can also see auras and have had many premonitions.
    • Years ago at bars, I would tell men I was a doctor and if they said “Really?” I would go on a feminist rant just to be an asshole.
    • My mom’s favorite story to tell about me when I was a kid is when my mom sent me to my room for saying something she didn’t want me to say. Before I slammed my door, I put my hand on my hip and yelled, “You can tell me I can’t say it, but you can’t tell me I can’t think it!”
    • I have shoplifted entire shag carpets, canes, and kick balls. I also stole 10 boys locker room signs in high school when I traveled with my dance company.
    • I cussed out Ric Flair because he was being a dick to me, but I had no idea who he was.
    • I have four birth marks. Three are darker than my skin, one is lighter.
    • When my friends helped me redecorate and declutter my room, I watched them have a conversation about how to handle the storage for all my magic wands.
    • I’ve spent $120 on buttons in one day.
    • I can’t see those magic eye prints.

Uncustomary Truths

  • I’m right handed but left footed.
  • My mouth is so small, they have to use toddler sized tools at the dentist. I have had three dental/orthodontist type doctors yell at me out of frustration due to my mouth’s size.
  • When I worked at Kohl’s, I used to sleep in the bathroom stall like Ilana does on Broad City.
  • Ron Jeremy licked my nipple in public.
  • I’ve been the mistress without knowing.
  • As a child, I collected coins and comics and played with Batman action figures the same way my friends played with Barbie Dolls. I also had Barbie’s, but it was more to get them naked. I once heard my grandma tell my mom she was going to get me a Barbie that day, and my mom warned her the first thing I would do was take her clothes off.
  • I’m a super hairy person, part of it is genetics and the rest is from a condition called PCOS.
  • I have four diagnoses on my Axis I (mental illness chart). There would be five, but I’ve never talked to my doctors about Trichotillomania because at first I was embarrassed and then because the treatment of my OCD started helping those symptoms.
  • I changed my prom date three times.
  • My favorite sport is men’s lacrosse. It’s actually the only one I care about.
  • I have flat feet and my middle toes curl down like all the way so they always lose polish first.
  • I’ve pierced my own ears in multiple places.
  • I have a strand of herpes on my skin. It’s like cold soars but it comes on the back of my knee.
  • I am a terrible liar to people I know, but I have no problem lying to strangers.
  • I’ve been so honest to cops that they didn’t believe me. I’ve also been so dishonest to them that they’ve believed me. I’ve never gotten in trouble.
  • I peed my pants in a Claire’s when I was 16.
  • I’ve been half naked with two other people in a one person hotel shower at 4 am. A hotel worker came into our room to tell us to be quiet or she’d call the cops. She got in our room because we left the door ajar.
  • The first time I took acid I declared everyone could possibly be an undercover panda bear.
  • Speaking of panda bears, when I ask people what animal I remind them of that’s the overwhelming popular answer.
  • The Lion King came out in theaters the week I turned six, and I already had a Simba stuffed animal. My dad took me to see it on my birthday and when Rafiki lifts Simba up to the animal kingdom in the beginning of the movie, my dad looked over and realized I wasn’t next to him anymore. I was down in front of the screen, raising Simba up to the movie theater audience, creating a silhouette on the projector.
  • If I’m very cranky it’s likely I’m hungry. Either way, a good rule of thumb is to get me a soft pretzel.
  • I’ve been told I remind people of three different characters on Parks and Recreation. It’s always interesting who thinks I’m who. (Leslie, April, and Donna.) Which one do I remind you of the most?

You may also enjoy Uncustomary Problems.