You’ve probably heard of Champagne Problems, the concept of a well-off person’s really trivial issues. “Oh no, my TV is so big it won’t fit on this wall!” Really, just anything that when compared with a real struggle like poverty, famine, and war seem completely absurd and pretty stupid to complain about. Well, today I’m going to take that concept and apply it to myself, some silly problems that you have to deal with in the life of Uncustomary.
- If your DVD is skipping, it’s probably because there’s confetti in the disc holder.
- You will have to dump random objects out of your shoes before putting them on, such as googly eyes.
- Envelopes are so prevalent, you might mistake them for napkins (or at least use them as such).
- You will get glitter on everything. And I mean everything. The roof of your car, the rim of your toilet, your boyfriend’s beard.
- Your friends will get mad at you for getting glitter on everything. They get more mad when you laugh in response to their anger.
- You’ll have battles with your cat about who likes balloons more.
- Using a port-a-potty while wearing a dinosaur suit is really complicated and awkward, because you have to hold your tail up.
- Your vacuum cleaner and shower hair trap will be more full of confetti than dirt or hair.
- The plastic nose parts on your glasses are constantly dirty with sand and glitter.
- You have to wipe off your bed sheets every night to get out all the glitter and tinsel particles. You’ll never totally get them off, so you end up sleeping like a fairy.
- Your friends will fill up 80% of your Car Journal with drawings of penises.
- Sometimes your light-up jewelry won’t even light up.
- You sweat so much at raves, parties, and in the summer that you can’t keep adhesive jewels on your forehead.
- Strangers and acquaintances expect you to be happy all the time, and get worried when you’re not.
- You experience colors and sounds so intensely that concerts become overwhelming and painful.
- You have to come to terms with the fact that your cat effectively owns half of your yarn, but it’s honestly okay because you ran out of storage for all of it years ago.
- You can’t go anywhere without your purse because you constantly need paper, pen, and a camera on you.
- When anything goes viral on the internet about glitter, confetti, or mermaids thirty people will post the same link on your Facebook wall in the same day.
- You’ll be told you’re naive when you respond to situations with optimism.
- When someone asks to borrow your sparkly shoes, you’ll have to ask which ones.
- People assume you’re married because of the ring on your left ring finger that says “magic”.
- You have a pretty severe tan line from that ring because you never take it off.
- You don’t like mints, coffee, or tea-flavored things, so lots of normal activities have to be adapted, like trips to Starbucks or offers for gum. You also have to use children’s toothpaste.
- You hate carrying a coat so much, you’re pretty much always cold when you’re walking from or to your car.
- It takes you a while to find a specific costume accessory, because they’re spread out across five trunks and boxes.
I also asked my close friends and boyfriend why it’s hard to be my friend, and here’s what they came up with:
- “If you go to the store with her, there’s a 98% chance that she will disappear.”
- “She makes you write her letters.”
- “She makes you write in her car journal.”
- “Conversations consist of multiple topics all going on at once.”
- “You have to assume she’s always going to have her camera and take pictures of you and put them online.”
- “There are always going to be ‘compromising’ photographs to document your experience with her.”
- “If you hang out with her, there’s a really good chance something you own will have googly eyes.”
- “Almost every time you feeling like questioning, ‘Why the hell did I just do that?’ Mary, much like a reassuring director to a mortified young model tells you, “It’s fine” (and you believe her).
And pretty much everyone said something about glitter:
- “You will always have glitter on you somewhere.”
- “We have to compete with each other on who is your closest friend by wearing more glitter than the others.”
- “Sometimes when you’re leaving her car, she will spray glitter on you out of a bottle. Like a very unwanted parting gift, as if she’s bidding me a farewell and telling me ‘I love you’, all while shoving a giant middle finger in my face.”
So that’s it in a sparkly nutshell. Could you handle hanging out with me?!